Good-Bye My Friend, Good-bye

I didn't wake up this morning expecting today to be the day.
The truth is I was just starting to believe the day wouldn't be for many more years.
I guess my blog about Toby recovering was just one big jinx. Part of me had been putting off saying how well he was doing for that reason, I guess I was right. Shortly after I hit "publish" things took another nose dive. I have no idea what went so wrong, but they have. He is no longer responding to meds and back on all sorts of narcotics, muscle relaxers and pred to keep him comfortable?!?! I use the term loosely since I am not sure if that is true. He has taken to crying out in pain all the time. Even when he is just lying there still. I wish  I could convey the cry he makes, it is shrill, it is heart-breaking, it pierces your heart, your mind and your soul. It is a desperate, painful cry. I want to make it stop.

I love this dog so much and because I love him, I must choose to let him go. I am not "more" ready this time, but I grieved hard 3 weeks ago when I thought that was the day, and now I have the peace that I was waiting for back then. I KNOW I did EVERYTHING I could physically, mentally and financially do to make it better. And I failed. I failed. My heart is broken.

This morning as he slowly and cripply walked into my room to greet meet, like he does every morning because he still loves me so much in spite of his tremendous pain {my God what love a dog gives!!} I picked him up and held him. I looked deep in his eyes and his eyes said "mom, I love you, but it is time. You have to let me go. I hurt and I want peace and rest. But if you need me to stay I will."

I cried. I told him how much I loved him.
Toby, you were the BEST dog. Your love got me through some rough times. Your snuggle kept me warm at night. I loved how you loved the kids. How you let them pull your ears and your tail and never once got grumpy. I loved how every night you would go to sissy's room to protect her while she slept. You were good to us. I hope you know how much we all love you. And now we offer you your freedom. Freedom from pain and suffering. I believe that all dogs go to heaven. And there is a big fluffy chair with a cozy blanket waiting for you to snuggle up on, with a big beautiful picture window for you to look out of. You deserve it buddy. We won't ever forget you!

Love your family.

Then I got up and told Lo the news. She was devastated and cried and cried. She is a planner and possess ingenuity  well beyond her years. She was planning ways to "fix" Toby, what we could do better so he could get better. That was heart-breaking.

So tonight we grieve.
We grieve a loss of a family memeber.
Thank you all for your love and support during this time. You have NO IDEA what it means to us.

Farewell my love puppy! You were simply the best! {even if you did pee on stuff.}

 

Exploration Place

As promised our trip to Exploration Place.
They had an awesome dinosaur exhibit on display.
This T Rex liked to frighten the little children by roaring out randomly. Micah FREAKED!

More freaking by MW. Lo was super brave!

Trying to be brave.

Digging for fossils.

Raptor. Evidently a big chicken. Who knew it had feathers?!

AH! Scary T. Rex.

The Exploration place offers other fun activities for kids. The last time we were here was literally the day before Micah was born. And I sat right here huge and playing kitchen with my baby girl on our last day as a family or 3 (unknowingly).

Prego and Lo 23m

Airplane practice.

Combine driving boy.

At the end of August we got a ton of rain. Pulling us out of our drought. Exploration place is on the river and it was amazing to see it so full and banks spilling over.

Back to the fun. The wind tunnel.

I puppeteer at church, so when Lo saw this she couldn't wait to be a puppeteer like mommy! HA!

MW's turn!

Finishing off the day with horse ride.

This place is a child's dream come true. We had something similar when I was a kid and I always LOVED when we got to go. It was a special treat. I hope my kids will hold on to these fun family memories. Even if it is only every 2.5 years we go. HA!

My Muse

Anyone notice my absence over the last month? Maybe the lack of my exciting and "leave 'em on the edge of their seats" stories have caused you complete distress this past month and you just didn't know how to go about your day. Never fear, I am back, at least for today.

A lot has been going on lately and my muse was completely gone drained. One of those if you have nothing nice to say, then don't moods. Right now the fog is lifting {a little} and I am ready to write again.
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Here's a little catch up of the last month.

Part of my absence had to do with the fact that I have a 8 inch plate piled HIGH with too many commitments. I struggle with saying the words "no." I am in Celebrate Recovery for that very thing. CR takes up a ton of my time and energy. It is a new ministry launched at our church last January. As with any baby ministry it needs love and nurturing. I am on the worship team, so I spend one night a week rehearsing and the next night singing or playing piano {which means practicing ALL week for as my piano skills ended at age 10}. CR helps anyone {actually everyone} who has a habit, hang-up or hurt; fairly confident that encompasses the human race! It has been so good for me, but also a source of stress as find the balance between family and service.

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Up next is my beloved dog Tobias.
Over the last 6 months we noticed Toby crying out whenever we would leash him. We just chalked it up to him protesting us. Then about 6 weeks ago the crying out became more frequent and then when he jumped off the couch he would cry. Chad took him to the vet. The vet x-rayed him and thought back problems. Sent us home with a bill and some prednisone.
However, once prednisone was weaned off he was backed to the crying. More meds. Same song second verse. This time he kept getting worse. I mean yelping non-stop worse. This time we knew it was his neck. Evidently necks are 100x harder to heal than backs {Great!} and most likely the only re-course would be surgery. {$3000!! Ouch!}.

Look how sad his eyes are!

We opted for laser treatment over the next 3 weeks and more meds in hopes to heal him. Two days later things went from worse to dire. I took him back to the vet and he gave me the sad news, that his lack of responsiveness meant surgery was the only choice. I maintained a brave face, but as soon as I got in the car I just broke down. We can't afford 3 grand in surgery bills. Leighton started crying, we were a mess. I didn't know how to say good-bye.

Leighton and her BFF

I took to researching through my tears and sadness. I found a dog chiropractor {crazy, but true} and scheduled an appt hoping this would be our miracle. I begged ppl to pray for  him, for all of us. Again, that weekend was Labor day weekend and Toby just declined rapidly. I can't put into words watching him yelp in anguish and in pain!! It was heart-breaking and gut-wrenching. We knew the time had come, we were going to have to say good-bye. I was physically sick.
You see this dog isn't just any dog, he is the dog I always wanted. He is my love puppy, the one that is always there for me to cuddle and snuggle. I love this dog, he is only 5! I can't imagine life without him. Leighton loves this dog too, he is her pal at bedtime. So giving him up just didn't seem real.
Somehow we got through that weekend and we decided we would at least give the chiro a shot, although that seemed highly unlikely.
The chiro vet confirmed my worst fears and while she gave him an adjustment, she made it clear that surgery was our only hope. But a miracle did occur. Toby responded to the treatment. He wasn't dire, just worse. Progress.
I went straight to Dr. Google. Did you know there is a petMD?! Yeah, I googled and googled. Read and researched. There HAD to be a way, a chance. I found research that suggested a conservative treatment of kenneling him for 4-6 weeks, carrying him everywhere, elevating food, softening his food etc. So with the blessing of the doc. That is just what we did 2 weeks ago-- Strict bed rest for Tobias along with some major meds plus laser therapy. I knew I would have to just take it one day at a  time and if ever his pain became dire again, we knew what we would need to do; I wouldn't keep him alive just out of selfishness on my part.
It has been nearly 2.5 weeks and Toby has made HUGE HUGE leaps in his recovery. He is getting closer and closer to the puppy we know and love. We are still cautious with him and will keep him on bed rest for the next several weeks, but I am now very hopeful he can make a full recovery!

I attribute this turn around to prayers. I know several of you prayed for us and I completely believe Jesus heard my desperate cry and answered. AND lead me to the research and new plan. I am learning through many medical experiences that you have to be your own advocate. You can't just sit back and let the docs tell you there is no hope or that surgery is the only choice...There are options.
Thank you all for your love {and continued} support for us and our little dog Toby!
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We have also done some fun things like Exploration place,

the Fair,

 and Tanganyika. {Blogs to come--get excited. :) }

 And some boring things like me going back to work. Blah.

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Oh and how can I forget my first ever car accident {that I caused} and first ever ticket! Yep. That was super duper awesome. Praise Jesus, it was just a fender bender and my kids {and I } were all safe! This is why I hate driving. I made a stupid judgement error and clipped the side of an on-coming car when I went to correct my mistake. Most of the damage is cosmetic, but the $125 ticket sort of hurt. The kids were super great and patient while we filled out police reports and talked with the officer. At one point I broke down crying and MW, just reached over and hugged me tight. God bless that little boy! Then later as we left the scene I said "I am so stupid" {I don't like to say that "naughty" word in front of my kids, but it just came out} Lo said "mommy, you weren't stupid, it was just a bad accident!" God bless that little girl. My kids were just what I needed.

Now things are looking slightly up and I hope to get back to blogging and scrapbooking our lives. I have missed it all, but have had no muse to inspire me. I hope she sticks around for awhile I need an inspiration boost! :)