He is constantly bringing me to a place to test it, to sharpen it, to understand it.
Once upon a time I was the most unforgiving, unyielding, dare I say spiteful, girl there was. The thought "mean girl" comes to mind. Not in that horribly nasty way you see in the movie, no no I was much more subtle.
I want to pause right here and just say for the record I am glad I am saved, I am glad Jesus got a hold on my heart because some of the mean things I can think to do to people and most likely get away with when they wronged me are just well... WOW. But I am saved from that and Jesus does have a firm grasp on my heart and mind and through HIS power keeps me from my sinful side.
I have been hurt a few times in my life. Who hasn't?! However, 3 situations spring to mind in which I was utterly and completely devastated. I am a friend. As "mean" as I can be I am equally just as fiercely loyal, which is probably why I can flip the script so easily. When I am in your corner good or bad you never need to fear that I would betray you, I will stand up for you, even when it is hard. Because that is who.I.am.
Evidently, I seem to make friends with people who don't seem to feel the same sense of fierce loyalty that I do. The details don't matter, but I was hurt and in all of those instances I hurt back.
During the first 2 situations I was unforgiving, unyielding and very very angry. How dare they do this to me after all I did for them! Was my victim cry.
It was years later that it {or rather Jesus' leading} that I learned forgiveness isn't about getting an "I'm sorry" from the person who hurt you. It's about you letting go of the pain and forgiving them anyway. Because at the end of the day the only one punished is you. Someone wise once told me "That by holding onto the anger and bitterness, you are hoping that the poison of that will HURT the ONE that HURT YOU!"
It is never going to hurt them. You are drinking the poison "kool-aide".
Finally, when the 3rd situation struck while it was not handled well at first by me, I realized I had to offer forgiveness right away. I never want to be in that place again. Angry and bitter. They are really unbecoming qualities. Was is it easy to do it so quickly? No!! It was hard and in some ways I had to swallow that forgiveness pill every.single.day. for months. After several months it wasn't so hard and I only had to swallow it once in a great while. Some days it still bubbles up---that is Satan trying to rob me of my joy, trying to get me to destroy myself.
Often I think people mis-understand forgiveness. I use to. I use to think that you had to forgive AND forget. I mean isn't that what people say all the time? Yes. But they are wrong. You will never be able to forget, especially if it involves losing a loved one, but you can still forgive. Forgiveness doesn't equal go back for more, it simply says "I am not going to hold this over you. I am not going to carry this burden around as excess baggage." Depending on the situation, you may be able to salvage the relationship. It will be different for sure, but nonetheless it may be salvageable. Other situations may warrant never returning to that relationship. Only you can make that decision.
But one thing I always keep in the forefront of my mind is that Jesus BLEED for our forgiveness. If anyone in this world didn't have to take on a punishment for our wrongs it would be Jesus, but He did it for us and there is NOTHING. NOTHING on this Earth that someone can do to us that can't be forgiven. If we want to be like Christ then be like Christ and forgive. That is why you see families of victims forgive the drunk driver, or murderer because they get it. They get they can't live in that realm of anger.
I say this all today because I still struggle with it. Most days I don't think life is fair. I look around and it seems like the nice guy does finish last and cheaters do in fact win. That makes me angry. I still find myself in a place where I am giving and caring to others, even to the point of biting my tongue until it bleeds just to keep the peace. When others in my life don't seem to exhibit the same courtesy to me.
One night I just poured this all out to my Heavenly Father. Think pouty pms-al toddler tantrum. Complete with crossed arms and pouty lip. I was/am sick of always being the bigger person--where is MY reward for being the "good" one?!
Ah, then the answer came--as I should have suspected. The answer was as audible and real as anything. It was as if God came down scooped me up onto His lap and said "Michele, I know that life isn't fair on this Earth. It never will be because it is a broken world. You are not guaranteed rewards on this Earth for your works." Then as though He squeezed me tight and wiped away my tears, He pulled my chin up to meet His eyes and finished with "Your reward, dear, lies in Heaven. Not Earth. Be patient. Don't give up doing what is right and what I have called you to do just because you haven't seen the fruits from it yet. I am keeping track."
And just like that I knew. One of those "I hate it when you are right" moments.
Which brings me to this week's Sunday Song. {Which I know I have missed several weeks of, but trying to get back on track.}
Forgiveness. I think these songs both say it best. Take a moment to listen, to pray and see what you can let go of that you are still holding on to. Don't drink the poison hoping the one who hurt you will feel it. They won't. Let it go. Give it to God. You deserve JOY!
I like this one because of the rap nature of the song. I married a wanna be "gansta" what can I say. HA!
Matthew West's version is more mellow. Both hold the same message. FORGIVE.
