As I was going through some of my favorite blogs, I discovered that this week is National Infertility Week. (who knew, there are "weeks" for everything anymore). However, this touches my heart in a very personal way. There are so many YOUNG couples that struggle with infertility and most days it just doesn't make sense.
I have struggled (and more than likely always will) with infertility. I have thought about sharing my story many times, but then I figured to what point or good would it do, especially since I have my "happy ending". Now that this week is here, I feel like sharing my story will hopefully give hope to at least one couple and let other couples know that once again they are not alone.
My story isn't as difficult and heartbreaking as others, but it is my journey none-the-less.
When you are young you are so full of life and plans. As a little girl, playing with my dollies I always assumed one day when I got married I would be a mother...that is just what happens...right?! However, the older I got my desire to be a mother dwindled. I just didn't really like babies and kids. Not like my sister, who was born to be a mother and a SAHM. What was wrong with me?
I got married young (21) and enjoyed married life, I had no desire to have babies any time soon...I had a career to pursue. But my career dreams fell through. At this point I was closing in on 25 (gasp) and the longings for a baby were growing stronger by the minute (you know that ticking clock syndrome). Chad and I had been married just 3 years at this point and decided it was time to toss the birth control and start trying to have a baby. Easy right, everyone gets pregnant quickly, especially when you are young and healthy...that was March 2007.
Well, the months went by, nothing. Was I being punished because I didn't want children for so long?! I mean I am sure it can take some time, of course 6,8, 10, 12 months later NOTHING. Seriously, what the heck is wrong with me?!!? By this point my friends were announcing their pregnancies. When I asked them about how long it took them, they responded "oh we just started trying last month." Grrrr...that's nice I have been trying for a year! I should have 3 month old by now!
I reached my lowest point when my best friend told me she was pregnant. I completely L-O-S-T it! I was happy for her, but incredibly jealous. Seriously, when was it going to be MY turn!?!? This was June 2008.
Those of you who know me well know that I loathe going to the doctor for anything. Let alone this. I knew what was wrong, I wasn't ovulating consistently or at the right times. I had done my research. I also hate drugs, so I decided before I went to the doctor to get on drugs to correct the problem I would try some "natural" remedies first, I mean I had waited this long what's one more month.
After 15 months of trying I was pregnant! I will never forget that day June 20th, 2008. I have never been happier to see two pink lines in my life. You know the best part? Being knocked up with my best friend (the one I was jealous of :) ) and then sister who was 6/8 weeks behind us! God works in marvelous and mysterious ways.
Anyway, after a few minor complications, 9 months later, on February 15th 2009, I delivered the most beautiful, perfect baby girl I could have ever asked for. I praise God for her every single day. I cherish her, because she may be all I ever get and I am content and at peace with that. My cup runneth over with her smiles and laughter, I can't even consider asking for more.
While this journey ended in happiness for me, it ends in sadness for so many others. While I didn't go into detail on the emotions I experienced they were frustrating, depressing, and hopeless all ebbing and flowing together. Infertility is NOT something I would wish on any one.
I learned so much through this journey and looking back I can see God's mighty hand at work through out. Had anything happened differently I wouldn't have my Lo Lo girl and more than likely would have never completed school and Leighton and Landrey wouldn't be close. God definitely knew what HE was doing.
I have also learned to lean on and trust God more fully with the "plans" of my life. I need to stop leaning on my understanding and start leaning on His (Pr. 3:5-6). God's plan is in control and no amount of tears or angry words is going to make things any different (not to say it isn't ok to be angry for a bit there is a grieving process). Ultimately we have to remember God loves His children and while He may be saying "
no" right now it isn't because He "hates" us or doesn't want to bless us, He just sees the big picture, there are things we may not see coming and He is protecting us and for that I am thankful. Because let's face, whenever I am in the driver's seat nothing ever seems to go right. Most of this perspective has come recently thanks to being a parent myself, it gives me a much clearer picture and insight into how God sees His children.
I pray daily for those that currently face infertility that one day their journey will end with a baby in their arms. Join me this week in prayer.
