Sleep is for Losers {Guest Post}

Sleep is for Losers
written by: Leighton Olivia Newton John.

Have your parents ever tried to put you to bed and you laid there wide awake and bored? And if you listen closely you can hear them making snacks and most likely having a party. Do you hear that? That's laughter! Why would there be laughter at this hour?! Mommy, told me it was bedtime. Then why on earth is she and daddy still up? It's interesting. As I lay here pondering how they could possible have any fun without my jubilant presence, I have devised a plan to infiltrate their party and take notes. I realize the risks and consequences I face compiling this research for my fellow bedtime little people, but if I can crack the bedtime code we all win.

Below is a list of excuses I have compiled that have allowed me "permission," or so I deemed, to vacate my bed and spy on the parents.

{Daddy I need water}
The subject brings me a glass of water. Decided to implement tactic two after he leaves.
{Daddy you didn't bring me kitchen water.}
He brings me back kitchen water.
{Daddy I need 2 ice cubes in it.}

While these tactics were effective for me to monitor the subject, it quickly turned against me. Don't worry it won't get me down tomorrow is another night...
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Here are a list of questions to ask to prolong the bedtime process. I run through these nightly.

1. What are we doing tomorrow?
2. What are you looking at?
3. What are you doing tomorrow?
4. Can we go to the pool tomorrow?
Will the water be cold? Will my friends be there? Why won't my friends be there? What are they doing tomorrow?
Can we go to the library? Why? I need new books. Can I get a DVD at the library? How about a bookmark? Am I going to get a new {free reading program book} book?
Can I wear...
5. I need some chapstick.
I need some itch medicine for my {non-existent} bug bite.
You didn't turn my music on. My music is too quiet....my music is too loud. Can I sleep with my music by my pillow? Why? {START CRYING}
6.Can you leave the hall light on? Leave my door open.
7. You forgot to turn on my night light.
8. Where is Toby {our dog}, I need him to sleep with me. {Push Toby off the bed to make it look like he escaped, go downstairs} Toby escaped. I need Tobias.
9. Daddy I heard something? I think it is an alligator in my room.
10. You didn't turn on my ceiling fan.
11. I need more water.
12. Daddy what are you having for a snack tonight?
13. How do zoo animals get water daddy?
14. But I need a hug and a kiss from mommy.
Now I need a hug and a kiss from daddy.
And last but certainly not least exclaim "BUT I CAN'T SLEEP!"

Along the way be sure to break down into uncontrollable sobs and fits of rage to make it clear that life is completely unfair and you are being treated poorly. This easily kills 20 minutes of the bed time process.

While I have gotten in trouble countless times for my research; I have found it all to be worth it. My parents are utterly confused as to what my true reasons and motivations are. Those reasons will not be disclosed at this time as my research shall continue. I will continue to update my fellow bedtime haters with new ploys and tactics as I implement more in the future. I will not be deterred, much to my parent's dismay.

And that my friends is how it is done!

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I wish, as her mother, I could say that she is embellishing these tactics, that it really isn't that bad. It is. Matter of fact this is FAR from the comprehensive list daddy goes through on a nightly basis. Lucky for her mommy is gone most evenings and is unable to put her to bed. Mommy is far less kind than daddy. So yes, this happens every.single.night in our home.

Until next time.