Good-Bye My Friend, Good-bye

I didn't wake up this morning expecting today to be the day.
The truth is I was just starting to believe the day wouldn't be for many more years.
I guess my blog about Toby recovering was just one big jinx. Part of me had been putting off saying how well he was doing for that reason, I guess I was right. Shortly after I hit "publish" things took another nose dive. I have no idea what went so wrong, but they have. He is no longer responding to meds and back on all sorts of narcotics, muscle relaxers and pred to keep him comfortable?!?! I use the term loosely since I am not sure if that is true. He has taken to crying out in pain all the time. Even when he is just lying there still. I wish  I could convey the cry he makes, it is shrill, it is heart-breaking, it pierces your heart, your mind and your soul. It is a desperate, painful cry. I want to make it stop.

I love this dog so much and because I love him, I must choose to let him go. I am not "more" ready this time, but I grieved hard 3 weeks ago when I thought that was the day, and now I have the peace that I was waiting for back then. I KNOW I did EVERYTHING I could physically, mentally and financially do to make it better. And I failed. I failed. My heart is broken.

This morning as he slowly and cripply walked into my room to greet meet, like he does every morning because he still loves me so much in spite of his tremendous pain {my God what love a dog gives!!} I picked him up and held him. I looked deep in his eyes and his eyes said "mom, I love you, but it is time. You have to let me go. I hurt and I want peace and rest. But if you need me to stay I will."

I cried. I told him how much I loved him.
Toby, you were the BEST dog. Your love got me through some rough times. Your snuggle kept me warm at night. I loved how you loved the kids. How you let them pull your ears and your tail and never once got grumpy. I loved how every night you would go to sissy's room to protect her while she slept. You were good to us. I hope you know how much we all love you. And now we offer you your freedom. Freedom from pain and suffering. I believe that all dogs go to heaven. And there is a big fluffy chair with a cozy blanket waiting for you to snuggle up on, with a big beautiful picture window for you to look out of. You deserve it buddy. We won't ever forget you!

Love your family.

Then I got up and told Lo the news. She was devastated and cried and cried. She is a planner and possess ingenuity  well beyond her years. She was planning ways to "fix" Toby, what we could do better so he could get better. That was heart-breaking.

So tonight we grieve.
We grieve a loss of a family memeber.
Thank you all for your love and support during this time. You have NO IDEA what it means to us.

Farewell my love puppy! You were simply the best! {even if you did pee on stuff.}